Man
by tmntyyh
Summary: "You can't give these to me, I'm a man," the blonde spoke slowly as if he were trying to explain that the sky were blue to a child. It really was not a difficult thing to understand in his mind, he was not sure why Tony could not understand it. Warnings are inside.


Title: Man

Summary: "You can't give these to me, _I'm a man_," the blonde spoke slowly as if he were trying to explain that the sky were blue to a child. It really was not a difficult thing to understand in his mind, he was not sure why Tony could not understand it.

Warnings: Poor humor, swearing, "inappropriate" items, yaoi, Tony being Tony, poor grammar/spelling, etc.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. This idea just came to me around five-thirty this morning so...I have no excuse.

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"Tony," a soft voice called out as a hand gestured to a hefty, heart-shaped box of chocolates and a dozen roses that were tied together with a large, red ribbon that was covered in little, dangling hearts that jingled with bells hidden inside each one. A light flush was on the Captain's cheeks and ears while an exasperated and slightly curious expression was on his face. "What's the meaning of this?"

"Uhh...standard Valentine's Day paraphernalia?" Tony offered as he shrug his shoulders slightly, a slight grin tugging at his lips as he sipped his glass of scotch.

"...And why are you giving them to me? Shouldn't they go to Miss Potts?" the blonde superhero pressed on, holding out the items for the billionaire to take.

A snort came from the brunette as he waved his hand, silently refusing to take the gifts back. "She has her own. She deserves them for putting up with my...what's the best way to put this?"

"Antics?" Steve offered up as he set the flowers and chocolates gently on the counter, making sure not to damage a single petal on the roses. He had to admit, they were quite stunning; every rose was similar in shape, size, and hue, the petals were immaculate and without even the slightest of imperfections. Surely a woman would love to receive such a gift.

"Playfulness!" Tony called out as he rose a hand in the air, grinning widely at having thought of a word that he felt suited his actions best. "She puts up with my playfulness all year long. She's a real trooper. So, she has free reign to buy herself the most expensive gifts she wants on this holiest days of commercialism!"

"...So, Tony, why are you giving these to _me_?"

"Steve, _darling_," Tony said as he batted his eyes at the super soldier, a sweet smile on his face. "Will you be my Valentine?"

"...You do realize that I'm a _man_, right?" Steve asked as he raised an eyebrow, almost certain that the brunette was toying with him and would give the gifts to Miss Romanoff. He knew that she was not the most conventional of women but she would still love to receive such gifts. ...At least, he thought so.

"No!" the playboy called out with a fake gasp of shock and dismay as he clutched at his chest. "How could you _deceive_ us with your overly large muscles? We need a team meeting immediately!" There was a pause for dramatic effect before he continued. "Though..." A wolfish grin took over his face as he continued speaking. "That would explain why you piss standing up. Oh, and, you know...the fact that you _have a dick_."

Rolling his eyes, Steve sighed as he crossed his arms in front of his chest, "Tony..."

"_Steve_..." the shorter man drawled out in an exaggerated lisp with his hands playfully on his hips. He smiled at the audaciously confused look on the soldier's face.

"You can't give these to me; _I'm a man_," the blonde spoke slowly as if he were trying to explain that the sky were blue to a child. It really was not a difficult thing to understand in his mind, he was not sure why Tony could not understand it.

Wistfully, Tony sighed, "Sometimes, I forget that you're a not real boy..."

"What?" Confused shock lit up Steve's face, causing the brunette to snort in amusement.

"JARVIS, remind me to watch Pinocchio with Steve."

"Noted, sir." the artificial intelligence called out, unnerving Steve as it so often did. It was still difficult to come to terms that the genius's creation could not only understand them, but follow commands.

"Now, Steve," Tony continued after snapping his fingers to get the blonde's full, undivided attention again. "I don't buy Valentine's Day gifts for everyone. Pepper's the only one who gets some no matter what."

"Then shouldn't she get these too? Or perhaps Miss Romanoff? She's a woman, you know."

"Nope! She might be a woman, and trust me, I've noticed, but I rather like my balls without an arrow piercing them," the brunette replied cheerfully. "These are yours." There was a sudden fake hitch in his breath and slight sob as the genius pressed on. "Won't you take these? You're going to hurt my _feelings_!"

Unaffected by the fake tears after seeing him pull the same stunt on Pepper and Bruce many times, the blonde just rose an eyebrow as he spoke. "...Is this a joke to you? Because I will throw them at you."

"Good thing I bout the thorn-less roses," Tony grinned, all traces of being hurt gone from his features. "But, seriously, Steve. Will you be my Valentine?"

A soft smile formed on Steve's lips. "...Sure."

"Great!" the brunette replied happily as he finished his drink before a large, devilish grin was shot in the blonde's direction, watching as he picked up the flowers delicately and looked them over before picking up the chocolates. "Now, there's a bright red thong on your bed. Come out in it and we'll- Steve? Hey, come back!" he called out with a laugh, watching the blonde storm away as his eyes turned a bright pink shade. "It's a manly thong! I promise! ...Kinda. Steve?" Running after him, Tony could not help but smile brightly; not only had the super soldier agreed to be his Valentine but he had not given back the gifts at his comments. "Come back, Spangles! We have to celebrate!" he called out as he followed after the tall blonde.

...After all, he was not exactly kidding about the thong being on his bed.

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Review and let me know what you thought.


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